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Preface
The Following document is an excerpt
from my responses to the memoirs of one
of my peers. Its revelations and
conclusions are based on theories
prevalent in Transpersonal Psychology
today. The Article’s title is
Narcissism and Codependency. It
assumes that the world that we encounter
through our senses is in fact a
co-creation.
There is no living ideal. Jane will
never be ideal for you, nor will your
relationship ever ideally serve you or
her. The living ideal is impossible
because we are attached to evolution,
the evolution of our psyches and
relationships. Evolution is infinite and
when we reach one plane of
achievement/consciousness, we begin to
discover the issues that prevent us from
attaining the next higher level of
consciousness. Thus we are never without
issues, never ideal. All (attached)
humans and their relationships are, at
all times, flawed and have issues.
Accept and love yourself and your
relationships with issues/as flawed.
Accept and love your flaws and your
issues for you are not 2, flaws and you,
but 1, a man. Accept and love others
with flaws/issues. Accept and love
others’ flaws and issues as they are not
2, issues and woman or man, but are 1, a
woman or a man. Accept and love your
relationships as they are. Accept and
love your relationships’ flaws and
issues as they are not 2, issues of
relating and a relationship, but 1, a
relationship. You, they, and your
relationships cannot attain an “ideal”
state worthy of giving all of your love,
so give all of your love to them or
never give all of your love.
(Everything I say about Jane and her
work here is part projection part
accurate).
Love Jane as she is. Love Jane’s and
your attention issues; without them, she
wouldn’t be Jane and you wouldn’t be
you. Love Jane’s and your
attention issues more than you love your
pride. Your pride is based on ideals you
have for yourself, Jane, and your
relationship. Love your and Jane’s true
selves, love your true relationship, not
ideas/ideals. Your battle with
your worthiness/attention issues prevent
you from loving yourself. You hold
your pride and morality, your ideals, in
higher regard than loving itself.
Suck up your pride, recognize
your attention issue, and take
care of yourself when you two are out.
You will find yourself developing even
greater self-esteem by remaining
loving to yourself and Jane
amidst perceived threats to your pride.
Remember, her issue is no threat to the
integrity of your relationship, only a
perceived threat to your wounded pride,
and your, “ideal relationship”. You have
wounded your self-concept by berating
yourself for the same
worthiness/attention issue; Jane hasn’t
complained! You have chosen this
struggle on a moment to moment basis;
you cannot choose it for
someone else. Just give up the struggle
and love yourself 100% as you are! This
way you’re destined to love Jane
as she is. Love her, love her issues,
these are not two separate things! Love
yourself, love your issues, these are
not two separate things! (you
formerly believed so and demonized your
issues due to splitting and idealizing
yourself).
Concerning splitting, Jane is only
human, thus she a) must be responsible
for taking care of herself, and b) if by
taking care of herself, she neglects
you, she is only human and this is fine,
either a creative solution to meet both
your needs could not be found, or she, a
very good woman, made a mistake. Either
way, you’re responsible for taking care
of yourself, and this is fine. Her
behaviors are reflective of how she
feels about engaging you and others,
which are a product of her projections,
her perceived faults, her triggered
feelings, her self-concept, her defense
mechanisms, and yours and others’ real
faults. You too are human, a very good
man with faults, and you are O.K./this
is fine. Vice Versa, if you neglect Jane
because she has upset you and you have
to leave to take care of yourself
(preferably after having had a
discussion of needs), this is fine; you
haven’t come up with a creative solution
for both your needs to be met or you
made a mistake (you too are
faulty/human). You are human and above
all else, responsible for yourself; you
have to take care of yourself even if it
means making her feel neglected. She is
responsible for herself, takes good care
of herself, and will take care of
herself until you are ready to re-engage
her. Your upset with her is a product of
your perceived/projected faults,
your triggered feelings, your
self-concept, your defense mechanisms,
and her real faults. You’re a
very good man who has either made a
mistake, perceived things correctly, or
more likely a combination of both, were
hurt, and had to take care of yourself;
both Fine.
Despite your choices, never shame
yourself for your issue and you
will never shame Jane for hers.
You have infantile needs for attention.
When they go unmet you feel worthless.
But, But, But…“I’m entitled
to a relationship where my lover takes
responsibility for my felt safety and
security”. No, no one is. You are
solely responsible for your own felt
safety and felt security. When
your feeling hurt/unseen/unmet, take
care of yourself by a) going within to
find you’re full of light and chosen by
Brahman b) by not blaming the
other for your feelings c) by inquiring
into the primal nature of these
feelings, c) by inquiring into the
primal dynamics that contributed to the
creation of the situation that generated
these feelings, and by d) loving your
issue, your feelings, yourself; your
feelings and your issues are you, and
yet you transcend them. You
should have simply stated your needs and
then, if unmet, left her to cope alone
when she flirted, instead of getting
angry in a futile attempt to control her
behavior.
If despite your best efforts to love and
care for yourself while your attentional
needs are going unmet, you become shaken
up and feel crushed by Jane’s behavior;
tap her on the shoulder, or just leave
alone. That way you care-take yourself
while sending the message this is not
O.K. Then, inquire into the source of
your hurt feelings and feel & heal,
smoke, drink, run, cry, or call a
friend, whatever you do is great and
fine! Your responsibility is to
take care of yourself. Your other
responsibility is to tell Jane (friends)
the whole truth, the feelings and facts,
about your issue. For example,
cry with her about not feeling worthy of
her/your mother’s attention when you
were vulnerable. Cry with her about not
feeling/not having felt that you are
receiving/received the attention you
deserve/d. Acknowledge the primal
source of these feelings. Do not blame
her for your primal feelings.
Acknowledge the dark side of your/Jane’s
issue based needs, they are needs driven
by wounding; thus, you/Jane must return
your/her awareness diligently to
realistic expectations of Jane’s/your
ability to provide mirroring and assist
in your/her healing. Narcissism could
prevent you/her from seeing that you/she
am being excessively demanding.
Narcissism could prevent you/her from
seeing that these expectations are above
and beyond the normal expectations for
partners; do not take
Jane’s/John’s gifts for granted.
Realize Jane/you are working above and
beyond the norm to care-take and help
you/her heal. Realize also that when
Jane/you is operating at the norm, not
above it, that this is natural, and
not a reflection on your/her worth.
It is up to you/Jane, in these cases, to
design the independent means of coping
with your/her issue, and to do so.
It is also your/Jane’s
responsibility not to devalue
Jane/yourself or our relationship in the
process, as “incapable of meeting
reasonable needs”. Instead, you/Jane
need create a culture of safety in your
relationship, and you/she will need be
prepared to take responsibility for
yourself/herself, your/her feelings, and
your/her healing, when your/her culture
is challenged, unmet. Both of you must
remain powerful and capable of
full independence, must be able to see
your issues and their ramifications
clearly, must see the excess of demands
you make on one another clearly, must
consider one another’s feelings
regarding these issues carefully, and
must not devalue your relationship or
one another when one of you is only able
to meet the natural needs of the other
and unable to meet their issue driven
needs.
Special thanks to Loic Jassy, Ph. D.
Peter Coster, Ph.D. Calla Papademas,
M.A., Gay Hendricks, Ph. D, and Kathlyn
Hendricks, Ph.D. |
